am i too greedy?

being a mom 24/7 sometimes feels a bit too full-on.  well, i do feel guilty saying this out loud.  but i think it's healthier to be honest with myself instead of burying my them.

i have to consider what's best for my baby in everything i do, in every decision i make.  i can no longer run out the door during a fight with my husband, i cannot even shut the door to express my anger.  i have to live in my in-law's apartment against my wish because it's best my baby see his dad everyday...

sometimes i feel really really down.  i can't help it.  i hate living in this messy apartment, i hate not having my own space.  i do not even have a "home"!

but every time i point this out, bryan says, "you have such a good baby, you should be happy enough, you should be content.  what more do you want?"

yes, i am more than happy about my baby.  he's the best baby in the world.  but i am still an individual, am i not?

if i don't have alan, i wouldn't even give it a blink to break up with bryan when he forced me to live under others' roof.

i want to have my own home.  i do NOT want to live with in-laws.  i want to live in a better and cleaner apartment.  i want to toilet train my baby with a pedestal toilet and not a squatting type one...

and yet, am i too greedy?

beloved

i was holding alan in my arms and played the “pretend falling" game with him last night.  but i lost balance and did fall over.

i fell on my back.  my elbow was scratched and the back side of my head was hit, too.  but that was alright.  poor little alan's face hit the metal arm of a chair during the fall, and his face was bruised.

he did cry, but only for one or two minutes.

because he was in my arms!

i felt so loved.  here's the person who loves me, trusts me, believes in me the most in the whole world - my baby alan.

as long as i pick him up and hold him in my arms, alan would stop crying, no matter what caused him to be upset.

facing death

after reading about dan's dream on single dad laughing, i decided to also write down a dream i had two nights ago.

in my dream, i had the ability to foresee death's next victim in my dreams (yes, it's like "inception", in my second layer of dreams).  in my dream of dream, the next victim would be eaten by a huge group of leopard cats.  people from my primary school and junior highs started to die, one by one, accurately predicted by my dreams.  

one night, myself was eaten by the cats and i knew that it was my turn.  i also knew that death would only focus on killing you for the month i had the dream, so if i could survive this month - which was september, the month of my birthday - i would be able to live on.  i also knew that death was only able to "take" you away if you were alone.  with those in mind, i tried to stick with others.  

first, i went shopping with my dad, helping him choose a medium sized jacket.  he told me at the end of our shopping trip, "well, don't worry, it's already 28 september, just a few more days.  you'll be alright."  by the way, 28/9 was my birthday.

next, i was walking on the street with a girl from my primary school class.  i was grabbing her tee and wasn't going to let go as i told her, "i won't let you go, as death will come take me if i'm alone."  but i was very tired trying to stay awake all month, and finally i fell asleep.  

i was in bed, covered by a mosquito nest.  i suddenly felt death approaching from my right hand side.  i pretended to be asleep and when i felt that he was on my bedside table, i raised suddenly and hit him with my right elbow.  then i turned around to face him.  i saw his face - it was very skinny, white, old and winkled.  i then swung my right arm at him with full force to punch him in the face.  he said angrily without moving his lips, "how dare you fighting me!"

then i woke up.

my living doll

when I was a child, I would do anything to have a living doll, or a living teddy bear, one that would talk to me, play with me, hug me and love me back as much as I love him (or her).

now I have alan.   he's my dream come true!

keeping our family intact

anything can happen with a broken family.  anything.  really.  no matter how impossible it may seem, but it can happen.

both coming from broken families, bryan and i must do our very best to keep our own family intact.

climbing

alan's had his "baby kindom" for only a few days, and he's already trying to climb out.

instruction says it can keep babies of up to 2 years of age securely inside.  well... i hope that's ture, but...

fruity rice with chicken and apricot

i made this for alan yesterday.  it was so delicious!  i wished i had made more, so i could have some myself.

what you need:
1 tsp olive oil; 1/2 small onion; 2 dried apricots; 1 tbsp chicken breast or thigh meat; 1 tomato, seeded, skinned, and chopped; 2 tsp sultanas, 1/4 tsp rosemary; 1/4 chopped garlic; 2 tbsp baby rice; some water

let's cook:
1. heat the oil in a small pan and add the onion and fry until soft;
2. mix in the chicken, apricot, sultanas and tomato;
3. add the rosemary, garlic and water; bring to boil for 10 minutes, stir occasionally to prevent sticking;
4. allow to cool, then puree the mixture in a liquidizer;
5. reheat the mixture in a small pan, add the baby rice, and bring to boil for another 5 to 10 minutes; stir to mix and prevent sticking.

nutrition:
calcium, protein, multi vitamins

i modified the original recipe from "organic baby & toddler cookbook" by lizzie vann of baby organix, to suit what i can find in the supermarkets in china.  you may want to have a look at their website to more delicious foods for your kids.

three teeth

grandpa and alan are spending some quality time together this weekend.

actually, great-grandpa just called today, and i told him that alan now has 3 teeth.  great-grandpa was very surprised!  three teeth in one and a half month?  wow,  how fast the teeth pop out!  he said.

well, yes.  alan's first teeth was the front left one on the lower gum, followed by the one on the right.  his third tooth is just starting to come out now.  it's the left front one on the upper gum.

alan's baby kingdom

this is alan's baby kingdom, dad built it for us last night.

there're only a few bear servants at the moment, but we plan to introduce some knights, cooks, and well perhaps a princess, too.