大海啊故乡

Alan是一个很敏感（sensitive）的小孩，感受力很强的。

这是小时候，妈妈和我在傍晚散步时教我唱的歌。也许时因为后来没多久她就出国离开了我们，所以当我每次唱起《大海啊故乡》，心里就会莫名地伤感。这感觉我从来没对任何人讲过，一直放在心里深处。

前几天晚上睡觉时，我对Alan唱起这首歌。唱完一段，他说：“不唱啦。”

我问他：“为什么不唱呢？”

他回答：“唱大海会哭的。”

昨晚我故意问他：“妈妈唱大海好不好？”

“好。”

唱完一段以后，Alan说：“妈妈唱大海。唱大海会哭的。”说完就睡着了。

他能感受到我心里的东西。

what would you do?

a big "thank you" to people who left comments on my last post.  i was very depressed when i wrote it.  not because of what the in-law said, but because my husband didn't understand me - not only didn't he say anything to make me feel better after the event, he cold-wared me because according to him, i shouldn't talk back when his mother was yelling at me and calling me names (rat, whore etc...)

i'm curious though, what would you do when your in-law yell at you and call you names?  and when she's doing it non-stop, keeps on going on and on when you try to stay calm.

am i too greedy?

being a mom 24/7 sometimes feels a bit too full-on.  well, i do feel guilty saying this out loud.  but i think it's healthier to be honest with myself instead of burying my them.

i have to consider what's best for my baby in everything i do, in every decision i make.  i can no longer run out the door during a fight with my husband, i cannot even shut the door to express my anger.  i have to live in my in-law's apartment against my wish because it's best my baby see his dad everyday...

sometimes i feel really really down.  i can't help it.  i hate living in this messy apartment, i hate not having my own space.  i do not even have a "home"!

but every time i point this out, bryan says, "you have such a good baby, you should be happy enough, you should be content.  what more do you want?"

yes, i am more than happy about my baby.  he's the best baby in the world.  but i am still an individual, am i not?

if i don't have alan, i wouldn't even give it a blink to break up with bryan when he forced me to live under others' roof.

i want to have my own home.  i do NOT want to live with in-laws.  i want to live in a better and cleaner apartment.  i want to toilet train my baby with a pedestal toilet and not a squatting type one...

and yet, am i too greedy?